I used to joke about how the love of my life better hurry up and find me, then I thought…well why am I waiting? I put myself out there. Holy shit did I. I made a Tinder. I’m still cringing…
*Editors note….I didn’t make a tinder for a bootycall. Don’t roll your eyes at me….
I met some really nice guys on there actually, I was quite surprised. I was mainly surprised that I wasn’t catfished…but I’m smarter than those douches on MTV. Something called FaceTime me or bye felicia. The last couple of dates were good but ended pretty abruptly. One of the guys…we will call him JQ.
JQ wasn’t my type at all. Physically…yes, he is very cute. Tall, short hair with the part on the side, full beard, glasses, medium build. He is Puerto rican but looked middle eastern almost. He read and collected comics, okay a harmless hobby. He also collected action figures, whatever. Nothing too weird. He was the definition of a nerdy and quirky but I thought, why not? He’s incredibly nice, well spoken, seems to be normal–so far. He lives in center city philly…2 blocks from my ex, which was creepy. I even had to park in the parking garage my ex parked in and I was praying I wouldn’t run into him.
Okay well right off the bat it was awkward. Conversation felt forced and we really had nothing in common. His condo was hot and I felt myself sweating through my clothes. We went to my favorite restaurant in Philly so the food I know would be undoubtedly delicious. Bill came and I grabbed it first, jokingly at first, glanced down at the total, then playfully gave it to him. Well……..I’m not sure if me grabbing the check first gave hm the wrong impression…..because I had to pay for my meal and my drinks and my dessert (that we shared.) Oh and he even asked fr more TO INCLUDE TIP. I wish I was making this up. Not really sweating it, we hit up another bar…he paid this time, thank God. We wander the city a bit and he holds my hand, opening up to me more and I honestly appreciated that. I admire people who are able to verbally express themselves. It’s beautiful. So of course his roommates were home so we had to go in his room and I thought….oh no…
I didn’t want to gie off the wrong impression, but we talked about this well before this date. I barley even kiss on a first date (intimacy issues). We started watching Aziz Ansari’s new show Master of None…which by the way is hysterical. I was so into it, and apparently that was just to get me to sit on his bed. He shut the show off and started kissing me. The kiss was okay..nothing too spectacular. But…his fucking beard smelled like an old sponge. Ughhhh. I kept moving my face away and he kept asking “whats wrong?” I just wanted to shout YOUR FACE SMELLS BRO. But I refrained…and the wine started to kick in and I felt myself getting sleepy. Must stay awake…must stay awake. So I requested for the show to be put back on and he said NO. His words exactly were:
“Well I’d rather just keep kissing you and see how far this can go.”
Now, I really wish I making this up. I sat there…speechless. I simply said:
“We talked about this. I can tell you right now that this won’t go past kissing, so if you were expecting something “more” then you’re sadly mistaken.”
He lays down and turns on Seinfeld. Good choice. So I laid down and sort of dozed off a bit. He woke me up about 15 mins later and said….listen if we aren’t going to do anything you have to go. LOL! I couldn’t believe it. So I put on my shoes and proceeded to walk out.
Not only did he NOT walk me to the parking garage (because he was too cold) which was two blocks away down an alley IN PHILLY…he did’t pay for my $15 parking like he stated he would.
A mugger would NOT want to mess with me that night….that’s for sure.
Needless to say JQ just wanted to be “friends, if I could handle it.” Well, JQ after winning and dinning myself, I think that won’t be a problem.
PS…Shave your beard ASAP.