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You are not loved

I am not ashamed to admit I have “daddy issues.” I just recently had a revelation about my failed relationships and how it all tied in with my father.

My parents divorce was ugly. It was a long time coming but much needed. They didn’t talk for yeeears when I was growing up, so when they finally announced it, it really didn’t phase me. My father not being the most mature person, took my emotional attachment to my mother as disloyalty to him (remember Italian.) How could I not attach to my mother? After-all, my father cheated and verbally abused my mother for a very long time. I tried to ignore it. But when I witness my dad flirting and groping another woman when I was about 9 years old, I resented him. I called him out one night during “family” movie night in our living room. “Dad who was that woman you were touching earlier?” All hell broke loose, and I was almost happy. I couldn’t stand to hear my mom cry herself to sleep anymore. I played dumb, but you really should never under estimate children….they know/see/hear ALL.

From the age of 13 to about 20, my father did not speak to me….his reasoning is because I chose to live with my mom instead of him. Nice guy. I basically had no father during the most crucial time in a young girls life.

Shes starting to like boy and the boys are finally starting to notice the ugly duckling. She likes the bad boys but isn’t told to stay away. She isn’t told she is pretty or she is worth it or she is enough. She isn’t told not to change for a single person except herself. She isn’t told not to waste tears on boys who are mean or who laugh. She has to figure things out on her own. She clings to the most emotionally unstable boys/men. On her sweet 16, all dressed up, her father walks by her as if she doesn’t exist. She feels invisible. She feels worthless. She feels alone. She doesn’t see him in the crowd for her high school graduation. She feels like a failure. She resented him but still desired his approval, his love. There was never any affection.  She doesn’t know how to react when a man tries to get close to her now. She remembers crying to her dad about how she feels when she was 14 years old. His response:

“I wanted to abort you when your mom got pregnant. I never wanted you. I don’t love you, I never have and I never will. You are not my daughter.”

She will never forget this. It has been burned in her brain.

 

She is still learning  how to love herself. She is finally realizing she is loved…..self love is the most important.

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