I know by reading my first post and finding out I was in a relationship with a married man, some of you may have given your screen the stank eye. It’s what I did to myself for a long time.
I met Him at work, always intrigued by him. We didn’t work in the same area, but once in a while would pass by each other in the hall or the cafeteria. We both worked for the same company, I reported the the vice president, and he was the manager of his department. One day in the cafeteria, he sat down next to me and sparked a conversation. Taken back, of course I was stumbling over my words and sweating. He asked me out to dinner and then asked me if I was married. Eyebrows raised, I said no hesitantly. I said what about you? He took his ring off his left hand ring finger and placed it on the table. Fuck, I didn’t even notice it. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Why. I declined in a manner of disgust and stormed out of the cafeteria. It was on my mind all night. Then I had a thought…..
By this time I was celibate. Yes, you read that correctly. Celibate. No kissing, no sex, no nothing for about 2 years or so. I wanted to find love, and I wanted to do it the correct way. Nothing for TWO YEARS. I always had hope, picture Charlotte from Sex and the City. That was me: HOPELESS Romantic. My thoughts snowballed into anger. Why was I doing everything the right way, no being slutty, not sleeping around, really trying to tap into my heart to find what I really wanted and getting absolutely no where and all I see around me are skanky disgusting girls who have such great guys? Why does it seem that I’m the only one playing by the rules and the universe seems to have forgotten me?
I called him and accepted.
We went to a favorite bar of mine and we talked, a lot. We got along so great, we just connected He was honest about everything, and some of you may be reading this going “mmmHHHMMM sure he was honest.” I never doubted him. He has zero reason to lie to me anyway. He was happily married to his high school sweet heart but he never wanted to get married. “No one put a gun to his head, then why did he propose” I will get to all that. At the end of the night we kissed, and it was amazing. The way he caressed me and touched me made me feel so sexy and awful at the same time. I left feeling so conflicted. What the fuck am I doing….God, that kiss was amazing.
The first time I went to his house, I was nervous as all hell. I definitely needed to down a bottle of wine just to calm down. Of course I saw pictures of her. She resembled me: longer chestnut hair, brown eyes, bigger boobs, I was a bit thinner than her. It made things hard. When I used their bathroom, I saw the hair products and makeup she used. We used the same exact products, down to the straightener. I felt like I was in the twilight zone. I sort of called him out on it like way to pick a girl completely different from your wife. We both chuckled.
The sex was okay…he didn’t last long but he would go down for hours. #SOLD.
Some where along the way we became a couple, ignoring the booty call rules. People at work slowly began to realize….but in that particular company, it wasn’t like we were the only ones. I wouldn’t say it was “accepted” just simply ignored, like it was the norm. Was I really falling in love with this man?
Then I opened pandoras box and wanted to know the specifics.
Me: So if you’re happily married, why do you cheat?
Him: Because I was a cheater when her and I met, and I will never stop cheating. I love her, but I am who I am.
Me: And she knows this?Him: Oh God yes. She found out about my previous escapades but still stayed…and still married me.
Me: Okay so why then did you get married? Why did you propose?
Him: I felt so pressured. We both lived in PA, and I always dreamed about living at the shore, so I told her I was leaving and moving to the shore. A week later she followed me there. I couldn’t tell her no, I didn’t have the heart to. I originally left to get away from her, my parents, my life. I wanted to just DO ME. Then when she called me crying I didn’t know what to do. I can’t stand when girls cry, it’s my weakness. At first when she moved in, she was changed she wasn’t on my case. She seemed happy, that’s the girl I fell in love with then of course the old her crept out and felt so trapped and suffocated. All of a sudden she was getting on my case about marriage. Every time I turned around…marriage this, set the date that, my friends are all married blah blah blah. I tried breaking up with her…I really did..but when she went into hysterics, I was the one who was apologizing in the end. Of course. Not her for suffocating me. I just wasn’t ready for all of it yet. It never stopped, Veronica. So to shut her up, I proposed. Then shortly after we got married. I don’t regret it, but she knew who she married. You aren’t the first and you probably won’t be the last. She knows this. She just decides to stay.
One night at work my phone rang. It was a number I didn’t know. In my gut….I know who it was. I’ll never forget the voicemail she left.
I couldn’t call him because he was off work and I pieced it together that perhaps they were arguing and he caved. I think I threw up about 8 times that night. I ignored her called all night. Since I couldn’t reach him, my anxiety ran like a wild fire through my body. What was said? How did she find out? How much did she know? I always made sure I deleted our texts and emails. How does she know?
He emailed me, and explained briefly: she looked at their phone bill and noticed the text messages were higher than normal and called for the number he was texting. Even though, in his phone, I saved my name as a male, she was not buying it. I wouldn’t either. So he said when she started crying…..it all came out. Great. I was furious. It’s cool if you want to ruin you life, but you’re also taking me down with you. How is that fair? He begged me never to answer the phone if she called. I agreed but I would never go to his house again. It took me a while to even get close to him again. I felt like she would randomly show up to our job and see us talking or try to get me fired some how. Oddly enough I felt more badly for him. He had to go home to her. I went home and didn’t have to deal with her. Though, I did have to deal with myself and look at myself in the mirror. Which is harder?
My vice president ended up leaving and going to another company in which they created a position for me to move with them as well. I took it. I wasn’t going to tell him, I was just going to up and leave…to make it easier for everyone. The calls and text from her came once in a while and were gut wrenching. I wanted to scream out how sorry I was. But to protect him I continued to ignore her. I decided to tell him that I was leaving the company…but it was on my last day there. He cried. I never saw a man cry before, like that anyway. He wept. He begged me to stay, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t continue to add to the problem. Him and I were so bad for each other. Although, I would miss him. Despite everything he was so nurturing and loving. I can see why she stayed. He genuinely cared. I never had that before, not even from my father. I couldn’t stay. I couldn’t.
It was NYE and I haven’t talked or seen him in months. I would think about him occasionally, but I was happier without the drama and stress. I missed the wipe of the tears when I was sad, the laughs we shared, how comforted I felt. But a random text from her brought me right back to reality.
“I hope your new year was as shitty as you made mine, whore.”
That was IT. I had it. I left the both of them alone. I separated myself. I LEFT HIM. SWITCHED MY LIFE AROUND. That was basically my reply to her. The only thing she said was “I just want to know the truth and if you tell me I will leave you alone forever.” Really? A year and some change and you still need “the truth” even though he already told you? My reply was simple:
“Deep down you know the truth. You do not need me to tell you anything. I changed my job to get away from you two and it’s not enough. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry, from the core of my soul, I am deeply, truly sorry.”
Her: “Thank you, that’s what I’ve wanted to hear this whole time. I can’t deal with his cheating anymore. I know he will never change. I’m leaving him. I will never bother you again. Thank you.”
And I really never heard from her. It’s been almost 5 years. I think I’ve heard from him twice since. How much he misses me, and still thinks about me. I didn’t give in. After all, she stayed true to her word.
I looked her up on Facebook recently, curious to see how she is doing.
She never left him.